Are You STILL Unemployed?!

For you 99ers out there who feel you can’t get a break from this economy, here’s good news: A recent government study may help you land a job.

On one of my too-few forays away from Moving Hell the other day, I noticed this headline in a newsbox: “Report: Unemployment High Because People Keep Blowing Their Job Interviews.” I felt duty-bound to report back to you.

Of course, the bad news is that this information hails from The Onion. Here are a few passages. They may not help you with that next interview (assuming you’re even getting any interviews), but they just might help you break a smile.

• According to the findings, seven out of 10 Americans could have landed their dream job last month if they had known where they see themselves in five years...
Hmmm. So back in 2005, how many of you saw yourself on the dole in 2010?

• Not asking where restroom is after interview could cut unemployment by 4%.
We all know good questions are crucial during interviews.

• “If applicants would just say yes when asked if they played softball or liked golf, we could add 350,000 jobs to the private sector,” Deputy Labor Secretary Seth Harris said.
Wow! Dishonesty works!

• The Labor Department confirmed their statistics don’t take into account the estimated 20 million citizens who were unable to get interviews in the first place because of formatting errors in their résumés, or cover letters that slightly exceeded one page.
Or the other 60 million who couldn’t even apply for the jobs because the online app program was flawed.

Big News from a Small-Town Newspaper

A shoebox filled with zucchini bread was in my mail yesterday, courtesy of my mother. To prevent the loaves from moving around, she had crumpled up pages of her local newspaper and inserted them between the bread and the walls of the box. As I crossed the kitchen to throw away one of the pages, I scanned the headlines. (It's an obsession for me: If it can be read, I'll read it—food packaging, notices on trees, fine print in junk mail.) One headline jumped out:

"100 canaries seized in bird fighting ring"

What? Was my hometown news rerunning articles from The Onion?!

Surely canaries was short for Canary Dog, or Perro de Presa Canario, powerful canines originally bred in the Canary Islands. Maybe a proofreader stuck bird into the headline (proofreaders can be exasperatingly literal-minded).

So I took a closer look. The article was written by the reputable Associated Press and the "ring" was brought down in Connecticut of all places. Perhaps when you're driven to watch animals fight yet stay under the radar while doing it, canaries are the discreet choice. Oh, they had finches, too. (I'm not linking you to the disgusting details. If you want them, you can Google them yourself.)

I don't always pay attention to the news; it's too distressing. As you know, job-seekers have to keep their chins up. But if fiction and reality continue to converge—if I can't tell the difference between The Onion and The Herald—then there's no refuge from human folly.