Dinosaurs, Primates, and Thoroughbreds: Looking for My Dream Job

While reading Gregg Levoy’s Callings: Finding and Following an Authentic Life, I realized I’ve envisioned working with animals or on their behalf since I was first asked “What do you want to be when you grow up?” Hence my application for a position at a primate sanctuary recently.

I could hardly believe my luck when I saw the ad—“No experience necessary. Will train.”

So I researched the place, got to know the residents, and crafted the perfect cover letter.

Never heard from them.

It’s just as well, probably. I was a little terrified about the pending fight for hierarchy between two generations of chimpanzees. The organization has a no-intervention philosophy that might have been difficult to stomach once the young chimps realized their power over the older alpha male.

I continue to keep an eye out for animal jobs that I’m either qualified for (precious few since I’m neither a vet tech or a fundraiser) or that won’t have me sobbing every time a new rescue is brought in. Imagine my excitement when this headline popped up:
Need Someone to Help Babysit My Pet Dinosaur

Who wouldn’t want to work with a dinosaur? I clicked through to the job description to find this:
You didn't really think I had a pet dinosaur, did you?

If you’re smart enough to know better than that, you’re already ahead of my idiot staff. They just can’t seem to understand how to perform basic tasks and get to work on time. So I am going on a hiring/firing spree. I need competent individuals who know how and are willing to do their jobs. I will pay top dollar and full benefits after a 60-day probation period.

Pet dinosaur or not, who would want to work for this subhuman?

But yesterday I at last found my dream job: Exercise Rider. Here’s the ad:
Exercise rider needed to gallop Thoroughbred racehorses. Must be experienced galloping Thoroughbred racehorses and weigh less than 125 lbs.
The cover letter would be easy to write; the in-person proof-of-experience could be a harder sell:

1. I’ve never been on a Thoroughbred, but I spent many childhood hours with Quarter Horses, Appaloosas, and Arabians. I could fudge it.

2. It’s been 20 years since I weighed 125 pounds. Even if I could fool the stable manager, I couldn’t fool the horse.

3. I’m often gravity-challenged. That is, I fall off. I’ve never been afraid to get back on the horses and I’ve never blamed them for their participation (bucking, rearing, stepping on me once I’m down) in my embarrassment. But this might be the deal-breaker when competing for the position.

Sigh. Another perfect job slips away from me before I can even apply for it. But I’ll keep looking.

Maybe next week some multimillion-dollar stable here will need a “Horse Petter.” In fact, I’ll write my cover letter now so I’ll be ready.